It’s amazing how quickly ‘us’ guys can get into trouble. After 20 plus years of marital ‘bliss’, I feel an obligation to share my experience amassed from the many conflicts I have survived over the years.
My first advice to the 'newbie' is to beware...of loaded questions, like when you’re minding your own business and suddenly your wife asks you, “Honey?!! Does this dress make me look fat?” Now if warning flags haven’t popped up all over the place, you are indeed a rank novice in marital entanglements or a totally clueless male. Don’t be fooled by her casual demeanor or the nonchalant tone in her voice, you have just been lured into a major entrapment, from which you will not escape unscathed. Getting into a scrap with your wife is a no-win situation, sort of like falling naked into thicket of thorns or bear-hugging a cactus, or getting stuffed into a gunny sack full of porcupines. The end result is the same. You can’t get out of it quick enough and you will not emerge unscathed. Now, back to the dreaded question. No matter how you answer her, you are neck deep in deep doo-doo. Here’s my advice as a veteran of repeatedly uttering stupid retorts without thinking, immediately clutch your eyes with both hands and fall to the ground screaming, ‘my eyes, my eyes! I can’t see!’ She may not fall for your clever ruse but at least it will distract her long enough for you to get safely away.
I knew I was in trouble the first time we pulled in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. Like an idiot, I was driving. She didn’t like the way I went down the aisles. “You’re going the wrong way, she screeched!” Evidently, I had managed to brazenly breach all protocols of parking lot etiquette midway through the first lap. Now I’m wondering, what’s the big deal? I hadn’t run over anyone? I was oblivious...and she was fuming!
But sometimes you just gotta’ be a man. Now I’m a pretty patient guy but one day I’d had enough of her attitude...so I drew myself to my full height, threw out my chest past my mid-section, and told her just how I felt about the way she’d been treating me. I unloaded for about ten minutes until I was red-faced and out of breath, then I stopped. After a prolonged pause I stood there with my arms crossed in bold defiance—the silence was deafening! You could have heard a pin drop! Thank goodness because that’s about the time I heard the car pull up. By the time she opened the door and barged in, I’d already jumped out from in front of the mirror. Fortunately for me, quick thinking and my survival instincts averted a near tragedy, mine! She glared at me. I could tell she suspected something. What was all that hollering, she demanded! I could hear you all the way from outside? Nothing dear, I said meekly. Lucky for her, I’d gotten it out of my system.
In any conflict, there are the rules of engagement. In case, you haven’t figured it out yet, let me spell it out for you in simple enough terms even a husband can understand; if you win, you lose. If you’re right, you’re wrong...or at least not too smart. Don’t look at it as failure or as an inglorious retreat, think of it as a tactical maneuver to the rear.
Ever heard the expression, they ‘fight like cat’s and dogs’? Now if you think about the root cause of most marital conflicts, it’s because the basic differences between men and women. This is a good analogy. Women are like cats and men are more like dogs. Think about it! One minute they’re purring, the next they’re hissing and clawing, then they’re finicky or indifferent. A study in contrast and complexity...aloof, indifferent, distant, graceful. Men? We’re sort of like a puppy, all happy and oblivious...and then we pee all over the carpet!
Never forget this...love is like a two-way street so, if you’re not careful, you may get run over in both directions. There are some things you just can’t do very well by yourself, like trying to row a boat with only one oar. No matter how hard you try, you only go around in circles. Then some things are best done alone. Marriage is sort of like two people trying to drive one car at the same time. Two stubborn people with their hands on the steering wheel at the same time, things can wind up in the ditch pretty quick!
That’s about all I have to say about that. You’re on your own now!
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